How to LOVE
by spike that ass
Summary: People fall in love in mysterious ways. Ed Sheeran said so, right? But why do things have to be so damn complicated for Kale, Cabba and Caulifla? Goddammit! There's a question that all of them don't know the answer to: How to LOVE? [High school AU.]


It was eerie how school could suddenly rise out of the ground and loom ominously over your small, scrawny body with intent to chew you up and spit you out onto the cold, hard, unforgiving floor.

This was but a mere glimpse of Cabba's wild imagination. He was an adventurer, truly, or at least considered himself to be one. But to be brave is a quality of an adventurer, is it not? After all, adventurers have to live up to their namesake and be adventurous, which involves at least having a little courage from time to time.

So why was it that he turned into a bumbling mess every time _she_ walked around the corner?

Cabba tried to rationalize as he made his way down the winding path to Sadala High, kicking pebbles along the path as he walked, each step growing heavier as he inevitably failed to rationalize _why_ he practically turned into a puddle when she was near.

Honestly, he was just glad at this point that there was no one around to search deep within his soul and expose his worries to the world.

 _Oh wow!_ everyone would say. _Check out how pathetic this guy is! He's so weak that he's parents are going to send him to America where he'll be a servant to an overweight white man and fold underwear twice the size of him for the rest of his life!_

Then, once he was at the end of his rope, his master would shake his head and make him start digging his own grave.

 _Here lies Cabba,_ the grave marker would read, _disowned otaku who didn't have the balls to confess to the love of his life because, as has already been established, he lacked the balls to do so and his parents shook their heads, called him a pussy, and sent him to America where he ended up working for the American version of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers series until he died because he could no longer handle his pathetic, meaningless existence._

Except it would all be in English and, if anyone actually remembered him, they wouldn't even be able to read a lick of the epitaph. Not that he would them to considering what his epitaph would probably end up as if the tombstone was wide enough.

Such was the life of a Japanese high school boy.

Or it was the case for Cabba at the very least.

Suddenly, a shiver ran down his spine. Uh oh. This was a code red. It was time to get the fuck out of here and not look back. He really wasn't in the mood for pissing himself in front of her again. How would he ever confess to her if her presence rendered him into this kind of mess?

Shaking his head, he grasped the strap of his school bag and started to power walk to the front gates, which were becoming teasingly close with each step he took.

He was almost there. Almost there. Soon, he'd be safe and not be making a fool of himself in front of American Fat Bastard because there was no way American Fat Bastard would be in a Japanese high school. Cabba slowed his pace and he considered the situation. Well, it would be awfully odd for AFB, as Cabba had now dubbed him, to suddenly appear around the corner in all his fat, thick glory. Not to mention, awfully unlikely.

But when a hand with olive tanned skin grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, Cabba began to wish that the perpetrator really was AFB. AFB had the power to body slam an elephant into submission but he was still nothing compared to -

Cabba plastered a strained smile on his face. "C-C-Clancy!"

Actually, he'd have to get back to that later. Was AFB, the guy probably inhaled hotdogs every half hour, really nothing compared to Clancy Richards, the British transfer Student that could put John Cena to shame with his pecs?

It would be a monster of a battle.

John Cena versus Fat Bastard.

It would go down in history along with more iconic death battles, like Megalodon vs. Giant Octopus or Godzilla vs. Insert-another-well-known-kaiju.

But before Cabba could get into another wild, fanatical debate with himself, Clancy's fist gently caressed his face, leading him to fall backward before being caught by the floor.

In a nutshell, he got decked in the face. Hard.

And right in front of what seemed like the entire student body too as everyone stopped what they were doing to witness the school poster boy for bullying punch a poor unfortunate sap in the kisser.

Clancy then proceeded to grunt like the gorilla he was and sauntered off, stating loudly that he punched Cabba because he "looked nasty" even though no one had dared question his admittedly questionable actions in fear of getting witch hunted next. Cabba wished to withdraw his precious statement in his thoughts: Clancy was certainly not akin to a gorilla.

A gorilla was akin to Clancy.

Groaning, Cabba's world spun as he picked himself up off the floor, dusty dirt-colored stains on his formerly neatly pressed white uniform blouse. Great. Just what he needed.

He could have been born as anyone else in the world, but he had been born as Cabba, the boy who couldn't even confess anonymously or otherwise to the girl he had crushed on since the first year of middle school. To Cabba, it was pretty safe to say that he could be considered the most miserable, pathetic boy in the world.

Not that his seemingly new position in the social hierarchy was anything new at all.

* * *

"Uh, sis? Are you sure you want to do this?" Kale asked softly, running her fingers through her side bang nervously. As she continued to finger-comb her hair, Caulifla finally turned to her and addressed the question Kale had been asking since they entered the bathroom for the first time.

Caulifla, her uniform tie askew and that wild grin on her face, looked to be the epitome of coolness. Kale had to resist the urge to swallow. Did Caulifla even know how cool she looked right now? How _goddamn sexy?_ She was every man and woman's dream lover.

Or at least that was she was in Kale's eyes. But, you see, Kale have been a teensy bit biased when addressing all things Caulifla related.

"It'll be fine," Caulifla said flippantly, shifting her face to examine the fading bruise on her cheek through the mirror. "You see this, Kale? This is what I get from the supervisors at the orphanage. Your lovesick suitors are nothing compared to full grown adults."

Ah, of course. Whenever Kale showed concern about Caulifla's tendencies for starting schoolyard fights, the latter would always refer back to the old "I've experienced worse and this is nothing" arguement.

"Sorry." Kale's apology was practically an automatic thing. She knew Caulifla's living situation wasn't exactly pleasant and, whenever the older girl raised the issue, Kale would always find herself stumbling over apologies.

"Those rats will never see me coming," Caulifla crowed, smirking into the smudged mirror. "That'll teach 'em for messing with you through fake confession notes."

A pang of guilt struck Kale's heart. She was the reason why Caulifla brawled frequently with the other students. Kale had been out of the closet since middle school. In her old school, everything had gone alright for her, her schoolmates and teachers being very supportive.

But now...

Kale didn't know what had happened. In high school, being openly gay had only brought her unwelcome attention. She often found tacks and pins spilling out of her shoe locker in the mornings, and sometimes, to her horror, a dead animal or two. Caulifla witch hunted as many of the perpetrators as she could but the bullying never completely stopped.

Honestly, Kale wasn't sure whether to be grateful for the bullying or not, though the obvious answer was _no way Jose._ But good had come out of the relentless teasing, and Kale was now closer to Caulifla than ever.

Too bad the other girl remained totally oblivious to her feelings.

Confessing was seriously harder than it should ever be.

"Don't worry about me," Caulifla reiterated. "Besides, I can't exactly let my best friend get hurt all the time, right?"

Best friend.

Ouch.

So Kale smiled that nervous smile of hers. The one she always wore when she didn't have any other expression to offer. It was apologetic in nature, but plastic in every other way.

They were best friends. But what happened when you wanted to be more than that?

Kale waited for Caulifla to leave the bathroom first before banging her head on the wall.

At least she wasn't suffering alone, though she didn't know it.

* * *

After the run-in with Clancy, Cabba ducked his head and scurried off to class, where he would be safe and sound until lunchtime.

Until then, he was determined to make the most his "safe and sound" time.

As first period was going to begin in a whole five minutes, he started drafting confession letters to his beloved, the only he loved so, so dearly. A quick, harmless activity to occupy himself with before the teacher came and physics became his only world for the next hour.

He didn't realise that someone was watching until it was too late.

"Cabba?"

Cabba nearly jumped out of his skin as a frighteningly familiar voice sounded right next to his ear.

 _Shitshitshitshit -_

Caulifla's voice was practically dripping with slyness as she spoke. "Confession letter, huh? For who?"

Ah. Thank goodness he had not written her name there. That would have been mortifying. He'd rather be shipped to America and work for AFB for the rest of his life than have his childhood friend find out who his heart beat for.

"I'm not going to tell you," Cabba stated mildly, thanking the gods that he managed to keep his voice even and not have it break like some kind of prepubescent boy having his man-period for the first time.

Caulifla rolled her eyes and sat in the seat next to Cabba's (the latter's being right next to the window to honor his status as a self-proclaimed otaku). "Then it looks like I'll have to find out. Is it Rin?"

"Hah?! No!"

"Chiharu?"

"Nope. You're not getting any names for me."

"Naomi?"

He shook his head.

Caulifla narrowed her eyes. "Don't tell me... its Kale?"

Cabba froze. Oh shit, she knew. She knew and he was going to say goodbye to his manhood forever because everyone knew that Caulifla was overprotective of Kale, not to mention that Kale was a lesbian and would never accept him even though he hoped as hard as he could that she was bisexual -

"No way!"

Cabba was shocked at how easily the lie spat from his mouth. It must have been reasonably convincing too as Caulifla was at ease once again and grinning lazily.

"Good," she said, her voice lilting. "Because if it was, I'd have to beat you up for not respecting her sexual orientation and pushing your boundaries."

Cabba took a moment to take it all in before nodding as eagerly as he could.

"So who is it, lover boy?"

He could have given her some vague answer, but damn him because he was on a lying streak today.

"I'm gay."

If only he was, life might just be simpler.

Caulifla's eyes widened as what he said sank deep, deep into her brain. Well, shit. "Damn. Since when."

Might as well keep digging his own grave. "Uhh, forever...?"

Instently, Caulifla clapped her hands together. "Awesome. That's it, I'm going to become your love counsellor."

"Huh? Sorry, love _what now?_ " Did he just hear that right or was his own patheticness finally getting too much for him? He heard it worked that way. That your own lameness would eventually asphyxiate you and turn you inside out in a very painful, long and deliberating process.

Also, there would be a crowd.

Throwing tomatoes at him.

Which was understandable.

And dancing the Macarena while PSY did the Gangnam Style next to Cabba for some reason.

Which was not as understandable but still surprisingly somewhat sane.

"I'm a huge fan of yaoi manga," Caulifla admitted, using her inside voice now. "And if you tell anyone, I will break you. I've always wanted the chance to have my hand in working out a gay relationship. And you are my one chance and I don't want to pass it up."

Wow. So this was what being gay felt like? Girls told you intimate stuff because they considered you one of them now? All of a sudden, Cabba wished even harder that he was gay, cursing himself for wishing for a free trip to Disneyland the last time a shooting star had come around (the wish had come true so he could and would apply the same logic to his current situation). If only one could be straight with gay benefits.

Goddammit, this was hard.

"It's official," Caulifla said, smirking. "I'm now your love counsellor. And I'm going to guide you every step of the way and help you get your man."

Cabba resisted the urge to smash his face into the desk.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: Had inspiration that was too overwhelming to pass up and this monstrosity was the result. It's not meant to be very grounded in reality and I have little experience with yuri and yaoi in general so bear with me here. This fic won't be very long either (hopefully).**

 **It's gonna be like a love triangle... except more weird. Kale likes Caulifla, Cabba likes Kale and Caulifla doesn't like either of them in a romantic manner.**

 **Yet.**


End file.
